BFN (AGAIN) =(

So after another BFN (BIG FAT NEGATIVE) this morning, I am pretty darn sure I’m not pregnant, despite my symptoms (which have now vanished).  I had an okay day, didn’t think to much about the fact I “failed” another pee test or anything.  I guess I should have went to bed at 9:30 like I wanted to instead of surfing on Facebook.  Why?  Well you guessed it, another friend announcing her pregnancy. I’m excited for her, but I’m jealous. I wish my body would cooperate with me.  I spent 15 minutes with my head buried in the fridge just crying, my husband comforting me, trying to find something to satisfy the “craving.”  I was ready to eat till I was sick.  The crazy words out of my mouth “I’m going to murder myself, if I have to hear another pregnancy announcement.”   Okay, that’s so not true, I have way to much to live for. 

Prior to tonight, I had thought about just STOPPING; stop writing, stop trying, stop crying, stop beating myself up.  But, I was already a little emotional tonight because I had been thinking about Mason turning 3 in less than a week.

I have made a promise to myself (and I may have already written this in a previous post), but if & when I get pregnant again, I’m going to document EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m going to enjoy EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m going to enjoy EVERY SINGLE time I throw up, crave something, pee 100,000 times a day, get jabbed in the ribs, feel miserable & ready to have the baby. Everyone knows the saying: hind –sight is 20/20, it’s so true! I wish I would have enjoyed my last pregnancy a bit more, and took in & savored every single minute, and wrote a journal entry every day! 

I’ve made a decision to go back to the doctor (probably next week, if I can get in), & start round 3 of Clomid.  If this round doesn’t work, I think I’m done trying for awhile, and I may cut myself off from my social networks for a bit.  I think I need some “mental health” time!  I’m not allowing myself to take anymore pregnancy tests, unless I spend 5 days a week slumped over the toilet throwing up, have sore boobs for 5 weeks, or have to pee every 2 seconds.  Who am I kidding, I know I will be taking another pregnancy test within the next couple weeks, since me & hubby had some alone time this weekend (haha, sorry TMI)

It’s funny that I am writing all these blog posts, and I don’t have ANY followers.  I guess it’s just my outlet.  I love to write, and I enjoy expressing my feelings and emotions through written words.

So keep me in your prayers, I have a feeling this is going to be a tough week, not b/c the TTC stuff, but because my “baby” is turning 3.

And the verdict is......

Well, it was another (make that TWO) BIG FAT NEGITAVIES.   I’m so disappointed, in more ways than one.  I’m disappointed in myself, for getting worked up & excited. I’m disappointed in myself, for continuing to dwell on it, when I should be enjoying every single minute with my son. I’m disappointed in my body.

Mason & I were watching a T.V. show today; it was Little Bear (I think).  He (Little Bear) & his mom were taking care of a new baby. Mason said to me “mommy, I want a baby like that.”  I almost cried.

The other night I found myself on YouTube (yet again), watching pregnancy announcements.  I cried out to God begging him to give me a baby.

People continue to ask me if I want another baby or when I’m going to have one.  I know it isn’t there fault, they don’t know the problems I have. However, it still doesn’t make answering the question & explaining things any easier.

I found out today another FB friend is expecting.  While I am excited & happy for them (I truly am!), knowing how excited they are & what a blessing they have been given hurts my heart.

I know deep down that everything will be okay; God will provide if it’s in His will.  However, I am human, I am impatient, and I have a big hole in my heart.  My mom said to me the other day “Maybe God just wants you to have Mason, and you should quit dwelling on it & enjoy every second you have with him”  As much as that hurt to hear, I know she is right about the quitting dwelling on it & enjoy the time I have with Mason because he will be grown in no time. 

Having PCOS & missing periods a lot is really stressful.  Each month I miss my period I force myself to take a pregnancy test, because I have had nightmares that I am on that show “I didn’t know I was pregnant”.  I’m never satisfied with one test a month, I take 1 a week, since my cycles are all screwed up & who knows when I might ovulate..blah blah blah.  So it’s not seeing a negative once here & there, once a month, but once a week for about two years.

That brings me to my next heartache; Mason will be there in a little over a week. I cannot believe it, it seems like only yesterday we were waiting for him to make his appearance. I love him more than life itself; I would do anything for him. He is such a smart boy.  I thank God for giving me such a perfect gift; he’s smart, beautiful, loving, sweet, & HEALTHY.  I couldn’t be more proud of the little guy he is growing up to be! 

I’m not giving up hope or faith in my God.  I know he will give me what I need, whether it’s a baby or comfort. 

TTC: Post #2

I have not felt like myself lately.  I am so moody, I can hardly stand myself (God bless my husband & son's heart for dealing with me). I have felt bloated. I have felt a little crampy. I have to pee all the time. I find myself gaging at certain smells.  My gums bled today. I ate a peanut butter and pickle sandwich as my night snack for the past week (weird!) I've not had my period (but well it's been MIA for about 2 months). My boobs are a little bit tender. I have so much (COVER YOUR EYES IF YOU DON'T LIKE GROSS THINGS!!) discharge. I have had alot of headaches.  I've not really felt sick though (besides the dislike of certain smells, like popcorn).  I took a pregnancy test last week & it was negative.  I am hoping that I just took it too early.  I have plans to take another one in the morning, if I can work up enough courage.  I am extremely nervous. I do not want to see another negative.  I have had an extremely hard day today dealing with my emotions.  I got another bad dental check-up...more teeth to pull & more cavities to fill & more money to pay b/c my insurance sucks.  Can you believe I cried because of that? I did.  And as if that wasn't enough, my mom called me as soon as I got out of the dentist to tell me that my Grandma was in the hospital, and they were concerned that she has had another stroke. I am praying this pregnancy test gives me the results I want to see, and that if I am pregnant that everything goes well.  I know I am jumping the gun, because most of these symptoms could just mean my period is coming. I am also jumping the gun because I am planning a special way to tell everyone we are expecting (once we are in the clear of course).  Last time I found out I was pregnant I told everyone (well close family) that day.  However, this time I want to wait until I am absolutely certain and I am out of the danger zone.  It's going to be hard to keep a secret though, since we've been wanting this for so long now.  I honestly have the urge to go take a test right now, but I know it would not be as accurate because morning pee is better, and I am not sure when I actually concieved (if I did).  So fingers crossed & prayers being said.  I want to see two lines so bad!

Our Switch to Healthy & Organic Foods

Over the past few months I have been trying to slowly switch my family to more organic & healthy foods from eating foods that are high in fat and calories.  The switches have been small, but every little change we make is a step in the right direction. 

I have been weaning us off of whole milk slowly.  I started by going to 2% milk for a couple weeks, and now we are drinking 1% milk.  I have plans to move us to skim milk very soon.

I have also quit using vegetable oil.  We now use Extra Virgin Olive Oil or Canola. We have also made a change in the butter we use.  We have starting using (sparingly) a buttery spread made with EVOO.  I have been using less salt in my cooking as well & learning to season foods with other types of seasonings.

I have also been trying to prepare more made from scratch meals & trying to stay away from pre-packaged  foods.  We have been eating more fruits and vegetables. Now, don't get me wrong sometimes I am lazy and prepare a meal from a box, but I am trying to limit that to 1 meal a week.  I feel like it is my job as a stay at home mom to ensure that my family is eating healthy.  I have the time to prepare a healthy made from scratch meal, so I should be doing it!

Another change we have made (and one I consider to be a big change) is switching from eating regular pork bacon to turkey bacon.  I say this is a big change, because I used to be completely grossed out by turkey bacon.  I am on a diet, and I had started craving bacon, so I decided to bite the bullet and try turkey bacon.  Much to my surprise it was delicious!  Of course I don't eat it every day, but it's a much healthier option than regular bacon.  In the future I hope to change from using hamburger to using ground turkey.  We have also given up regular hot dogs.  When we have a craving for a hot dog we eat lean or fat free turkey dogs.  I also try to steer clean of ham when choosing deli meat.  I also opt for cheese that is 2%.

We have also switch from eating regular white bread to 100% whole grain (sometimes just whole wheat) bread. 

We are also combating our addiction to soda.  We try to drink more juices (real fruit juice not that sugary type) and lots more water. It is a slow struggle, but one day we will over come it!

I have also been trying to go for fruits, vegetables, and other things that are organic.  I have read different opinions on the organic label on foods, but I feel that ,after examining the label of regular foods with those that "claim" to be organic, organic foods are a better option. 

Now when I go to the grocery store I find myself coming home with tons of fruits and vegetables and less cookies, chips, and other junk food.  We have also started eating spinach & arugula for our salads instead of regular iceberg lettuce.  Our salads consist of more veggies and a smaller serving of dressing, croutons, and cheese.  We have plans to plant a huge garden next year (we had so much going on this spring that we never got time to do our garden). Thankfully, my dad and grandparents have a garden & having been sharing lots of their crops with us.

Like I said the changes may seem small, but every little change we make is a step in the right direction.  Our next battle is giving up our habit to dine out a couple times a week.  We have a long way to go, but I am happy and proud of the changes we have already made.

Our TTC Journey (thus far)

When I was 14, I was having my periods for months at a time, and it was extremely heavy.  After many doctors’ appointments, tests, and ultra sounds, I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (more commonly known as PCOS).  I do not want to get into a lot of technical and medical things, but basically my ovaries are full of cysts, my hormones are out of whack, my insulin level is not right, blah blah blah. So I was put on birth control and a diabetes medicine called Metformin. Even with the medicines’ my periods were never normal, I would go for months without a period, and then bleed (heavily) for months on end. When I was in college (I lived away from home), I started having horrible pain one night.  Thinking it might be my appendix my boyfriend (at the time), rushed me to the hospital, where after spending all night in the ER I learned that one of those cysts on my ovaries had ruptured. It was the worst pain I have EVER felt (much worse than labor).  After that episode I never had another problem until about a month before my husband & I got married (which was about 2 years after that night in the ER).  My period was very heavy, I had been bleeding for about 2 months, and then I started to get really sick (dizzy, throwing up & couldn't keep anything down).  My mom took me to the hospital, they never really said why all this was going on, but they just gave me some Provera (I think) to make the bleeding stop.  I was still on birth control & the Metformin, until my husband & I decided we wanted to start a family (not long after we got married).  We tried for a few months (from July-Nov 2007), and nothing happened. We decided to give it a rest & just relax for a couple months, the next thing I know I'm seeing two lines on a pregnancy test, we were both in total shock & disbelief. I think we took 10 pregnancy tests before we believe it!

My pregnancy was pretty easy the first couple months, and then I saw the most horrible sight in the world, the one no pregnant woman wants to see, blood!  I was devastated; I just knew I was having a miscarriage.  I dropped to my knees and cried out to God, to protect our baby.  After a long night in the hospital, a weekend spent in bed & worrying, we had an ultra sound; the Doctor said the baby seemed to be fine.  I wasn't satisfied with his answer (which was nothing as to why I was bleeding), plus I didn't like his attitude. He said, and I quote "Well, if you are having a miscarriage there is nothing I can do", yes I understand there is nothing that can help that, but you didn't have to be such an a** about it!  Anyway, a week later I had another appointment with another Doctor.  Turns out I had placenta previa, where the placenta is partially covering the cervix. The next few months were pretty easy, besides my total disgust with pintos & broccoli & cheese rice.  I never had morning sickness in my 1st trimester, and then towards the end of my 2nd trimester I got really sick.  I was throwing up 24/7 and I couldn't keep anything down.  I ended up in the hospital hooked to IVs for a few hours. After losing about 10 pounds, I was finally over that, but then came another complication....gestational diabetes....then another....borderline preeclampsia. My doctor induced me at 38 1/2 weeks.  Labor was pretty easy, and things went well, until my stupid cervix wouldn't dilate past a 9 (I was stuck there for 5 hours)...then I was rushed to have a c-section.  At 3:30am on July 23, 2008, my son came into this world.  He did NOT cry, all I can remember is screaming "what is wrong, is he okay"?  The doctor & nurses & my husband told me he was perfectly fine.  Then I laid my eyes on him for the first time.  Anyone who says they don't believe in love at first sight has never had a child! 

After my son was born my periods were normal up until January, where they stopped completely until April.  At which time I started bleeding for a couple weeks, and then I wouldn't have a period for a couple months.  It was in July of 2009, right around my son's first birthday that we decided we wanted to have another baby.  We tried for a year, with no luck.  I then went to the doctor in June of 2010, because I was having those 2 month long periods again.  I was giving meds to stop my period & the fertility drug Clomid.  I was so excited & hopeful that it would work.  I ovulated, but I did not get pregnant.  Then we tried round 2 a few months later....again no luck.  Since then (for the past 6ish months) we have not been on any fertility drugs, but we have been doing everything in our power to conceive. NO LUCK!!!  I cannot explain to you how hard it is to take a pregnancy test & see the negative over & over & over & over, month after month after month after month.  Unless you have been there, you will never understand what it is like to have fertility issues.

I have cried, screamed, cursed, prayed, begged, & pleaded.  I want another child so much; I want to give Mason a brother or sister to grow up with.  The past few months have been really difficult. I was having normal periods for about 4 months, and then one month it didn't come.  I got excited, took about 10 pregnancy tests, all of which were negative.  I cried on and off for a good two days.  I still cry. It's hard.  PCOS SUCKS!  I feel like I am less of a woman.  I cry for my husband. I cry for my son. I just cry sometimes. 

I found myself on YouTube the other night because I couldn't sleep, and I stumbled upon videos of women surprising their husbands by telling them they were pregnant, I bawled like a baby. I have had in the past few weeks people ask me time & time again "when are you having another baby", "do you want more kids", "Mason needs a brother or sister"...I've seriously considered getting a tattoo on my forehead saying YES I WANT MORE KIDS, I WANT A BABY NOW, YES I WANT MASON TO HAVE A SIBLING...BUT I HAVE INFERTILITY ISSUES SO QUIT ASKING ME!  Every time someone asks me a question like that I get depressed & cry, esp. when they talk about Mason needing a brother or sister (because I feel like such a failure as a mom). 

I have changed the name of this blog to include our TTC journey, because I need an outlet.  Nobody in my family understands what I am going through, I have never openly talked about our journey (so lots of people don't know), and I need an outlet.

If this has a lot of spelling mistake or doesn't make sense I'm sorry, I'm half asleep right now (lol)

Home School Vs. Public School

My son is getting ready to turn 3 in a couple weeks. I know we still have a couple years before he will start school, but it's never to early to start thinking about the decisions that have to be made.  Now, before I actually had kids I said I would never home school them, but now I'm leaning in the direction of home schooling our son.  My husband & I are kind of on the fence about the whole issue.  We would love to home school him due to how crazy the world is these days, but then again we want him to experience public school like we both did, have friends, etc.  However, neither of us feel as if public school is the same anymore.  There is no more cute little prayers before lunch, no more Pledge of Allegiance to start off the school day, the public school system is teaching children things we do not believe in, and it seems as though innocence (being faced with & taught issues that are over their head) is lost earlier in the public school system. I realize that we cannot protect him forever, I know one day he will have to face the "real world", but as a parent I want to shelter him from all the horrible things in the world.  Part of me knows that if we teach him the right things at home that he will be able to decipher the truth & stand for what he believes in.  I want him to be his own person, but I want him to stay my sweet, innocent little boy forever. Ahhh, being a parent is so hard.  Home School costs a lot of money, from my research anyway (of course public school is just as expensive with all the lunch money, field trip money, money for this, money for that, fundraisers, book fairs, this & that).  Then I also have the thought that if we take all the Christians out of the school system, then what about the friends & classmates that could be impacted & taught the love of Jesus though them.  I don't want to think & feel that I am responsible for withholding the love of Jesus from someone because I choose to keep my child from going to public school.  will be here).  Then again, I personally know how easy it is to get caught up in the wrong crowd & stray from God & His will. Of course all those wrongs I made taught me excellent life lessons (if I would have only listened to my mama & daddy, they were much smarter than I gave them credit for), but of course I want to teach my son the lessons I had to learn the hard way.

So my brain doesn't really know which way is up right now concerning this issue. I have prayed about this decision (not as hard as I should, but I'm stepping it up, now that it's hit me how fast it will be here). I'm not sure what God wants us to do yet, I know He will guide us to do his will, and He will make us aware of what we should do in His time.  So until He shows us the way, we will continue to pray, research, & discuss how we feel about it.  I still cannot believe how big our "baby" is!!

Rainy Days & Mondays...always get me down

I've got a horrible case of the Mondays today.  Usually Mondays are my "weekend"...but today I had a to-do list a mile long, since I had such a lazy & wonderful weekend.  I had a ton of laundry to do, my house was up-side down since I didn't clean up Sunday, and my son had an appointment this afternoon. Not to mention the two big projects I have looming over me this week. I didn't accomplish much on my to-do list today, but my son took off with his mamaw for the night, so I have plans to accomplish things tonight (motivation willing).  I have a big Starbucks mocha Frappuccino on my side, so maybe I will get motivated soon.

This semester with school has already got me down...I'm so ready for it to be overwith...perhaps because my decision to take math & spanish at the same time (what was I thinking?!?) But enough with that crap...let's talk about fun things...like my Saturday night...

My son was invited to a birthday party...my husband had made arrangements for my parents to take him so he could kidnap me for the evening (for a MUCH needed date night). Date nights are far & few between in this house, so it was a very nice little break & time to reconnect with my hubby (who as of lately I feel as if I've forgot all about).  We went to a nice resturant (one that was a little over our budget, but we managed since we shared a HUGE steak) and had a nice, QUIET, relaxing dinner.  He took me shopping (to somewhere besides Walmart, haha), and bought me a couple things (and of course we came home with several things for our little sweetie).  He even gave in on our way home to my addiction to iced/frozen coffee, and stopped and got me a mocha frappe from McDonalds.  We picked up a Redbox movie (Inception, which after watching two time, I still don't get).  We came home, but the baby to bed, & cuddled on the couch.  It was a very nice & relaxing nite. I am very blessed to have such a wonderful husband & family. I think EVERY married couple should have at least one date night a month, it does your marriage a world of good!!

So now I must get to work (but I don't wanna)!!  Hope you all had a blessed weekend & have a blessed week.

God Bless!