When I was 14, I was having my periods for months at a time, and it was extremely heavy. After many doctors’ appointments, tests, and ultra sounds, I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (more commonly known as PCOS). I do not want to get into a lot of technical and medical things, but basically my ovaries are full of cysts, my hormones are out of whack, my insulin level is not right, blah blah blah. So I was put on birth control and a diabetes medicine called Metformin. Even with the medicines’ my periods were never normal, I would go for months without a period, and then bleed (heavily) for months on end. When I was in college (I lived away from home), I started having horrible pain one night. Thinking it might be my appendix my boyfriend (at the time), rushed me to the hospital, where after spending all night in the ER I learned that one of those cysts on my ovaries had ruptured. It was the worst pain I have EVER felt (much worse than labor). After that episode I never had another problem until about a month before my husband & I got married (which was about 2 years after that night in the ER). My period was very heavy, I had been bleeding for about 2 months, and then I started to get really sick (dizzy, throwing up & couldn't keep anything down). My mom took me to the hospital, they never really said why all this was going on, but they just gave me some Provera (I think) to make the bleeding stop. I was still on birth control & the Metformin, until my husband & I decided we wanted to start a family (not long after we got married). We tried for a few months (from July-Nov 2007), and nothing happened. We decided to give it a rest & just relax for a couple months, the next thing I know I'm seeing two lines on a pregnancy test, we were both in total shock & disbelief. I think we took 10 pregnancy tests before we believe it!
My pregnancy was pretty easy the first couple months, and then I saw the most horrible sight in the world, the one no pregnant woman wants to see, blood! I was devastated; I just knew I was having a miscarriage. I dropped to my knees and cried out to God, to protect our baby. After a long night in the hospital, a weekend spent in bed & worrying, we had an ultra sound; the Doctor said the baby seemed to be fine. I wasn't satisfied with his answer (which was nothing as to why I was bleeding), plus I didn't like his attitude. He said, and I quote "Well, if you are having a miscarriage there is nothing I can do", yes I understand there is nothing that can help that, but you didn't have to be such an a** about it! Anyway, a week later I had another appointment with another Doctor. Turns out I had placenta previa, where the placenta is partially covering the cervix. The next few months were pretty easy, besides my total disgust with pintos & broccoli & cheese rice. I never had morning sickness in my 1st trimester, and then towards the end of my 2nd trimester I got really sick. I was throwing up 24/7 and I couldn't keep anything down. I ended up in the hospital hooked to IVs for a few hours. After losing about 10 pounds, I was finally over that, but then came another complication....gestational diabetes....then another....borderline preeclampsia. My doctor induced me at 38 1/2 weeks. Labor was pretty easy, and things went well, until my stupid cervix wouldn't dilate past a 9 (I was stuck there for 5 hours)...then I was rushed to have a c-section. At 3:30am on July 23, 2008, my son came into this world. He did NOT cry, all I can remember is screaming "what is wrong, is he okay"? The doctor & nurses & my husband told me he was perfectly fine. Then I laid my eyes on him for the first time. Anyone who says they don't believe in love at first sight has never had a child!
After my son was born my periods were normal up until January, where they stopped completely until April. At which time I started bleeding for a couple weeks, and then I wouldn't have a period for a couple months. It was in July of 2009, right around my son's first birthday that we decided we wanted to have another baby. We tried for a year, with no luck. I then went to the doctor in June of 2010, because I was having those 2 month long periods again. I was giving meds to stop my period & the fertility drug Clomid. I was so excited & hopeful that it would work. I ovulated, but I did not get pregnant. Then we tried round 2 a few months later....again no luck. Since then (for the past 6ish months) we have not been on any fertility drugs, but we have been doing everything in our power to conceive. NO LUCK!!! I cannot explain to you how hard it is to take a pregnancy test & see the negative over & over & over & over, month after month after month after month. Unless you have been there, you will never understand what it is like to have fertility issues.
I have cried, screamed, cursed, prayed, begged, & pleaded. I want another child so much; I want to give Mason a brother or sister to grow up with. The past few months have been really difficult. I was having normal periods for about 4 months, and then one month it didn't come. I got excited, took about 10 pregnancy tests, all of which were negative. I cried on and off for a good two days. I still cry. It's hard. PCOS SUCKS! I feel like I am less of a woman. I cry for my husband. I cry for my son. I just cry sometimes.
I found myself on YouTube the other night because I couldn't sleep, and I stumbled upon videos of women surprising their husbands by telling them they were pregnant, I bawled like a baby. I have had in the past few weeks people ask me time & time again "when are you having another baby", "do you want more kids", "Mason needs a brother or sister"...I've seriously considered getting a tattoo on my forehead saying YES I WANT MORE KIDS, I WANT A BABY NOW, YES I WANT MASON TO HAVE A SIBLING...BUT I HAVE INFERTILITY ISSUES SO QUIT ASKING ME! Every time someone asks me a question like that I get depressed & cry, esp. when they talk about Mason needing a brother or sister (because I feel like such a failure as a mom).
I have changed the name of this blog to include our TTC journey, because I need an outlet. Nobody in my family understands what I am going through, I have never openly talked about our journey (so lots of people don't know), and I need an outlet.
If this has a lot of spelling mistake or doesn't make sense I'm sorry, I'm half asleep right now (lol)
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