BFN (AGAIN) =(

So after another BFN (BIG FAT NEGATIVE) this morning, I am pretty darn sure I’m not pregnant, despite my symptoms (which have now vanished).  I had an okay day, didn’t think to much about the fact I “failed” another pee test or anything.  I guess I should have went to bed at 9:30 like I wanted to instead of surfing on Facebook.  Why?  Well you guessed it, another friend announcing her pregnancy. I’m excited for her, but I’m jealous. I wish my body would cooperate with me.  I spent 15 minutes with my head buried in the fridge just crying, my husband comforting me, trying to find something to satisfy the “craving.”  I was ready to eat till I was sick.  The crazy words out of my mouth “I’m going to murder myself, if I have to hear another pregnancy announcement.”   Okay, that’s so not true, I have way to much to live for. 

Prior to tonight, I had thought about just STOPPING; stop writing, stop trying, stop crying, stop beating myself up.  But, I was already a little emotional tonight because I had been thinking about Mason turning 3 in less than a week.

I have made a promise to myself (and I may have already written this in a previous post), but if & when I get pregnant again, I’m going to document EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m going to enjoy EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m going to enjoy EVERY SINGLE time I throw up, crave something, pee 100,000 times a day, get jabbed in the ribs, feel miserable & ready to have the baby. Everyone knows the saying: hind –sight is 20/20, it’s so true! I wish I would have enjoyed my last pregnancy a bit more, and took in & savored every single minute, and wrote a journal entry every day! 

I’ve made a decision to go back to the doctor (probably next week, if I can get in), & start round 3 of Clomid.  If this round doesn’t work, I think I’m done trying for awhile, and I may cut myself off from my social networks for a bit.  I think I need some “mental health” time!  I’m not allowing myself to take anymore pregnancy tests, unless I spend 5 days a week slumped over the toilet throwing up, have sore boobs for 5 weeks, or have to pee every 2 seconds.  Who am I kidding, I know I will be taking another pregnancy test within the next couple weeks, since me & hubby had some alone time this weekend (haha, sorry TMI)

It’s funny that I am writing all these blog posts, and I don’t have ANY followers.  I guess it’s just my outlet.  I love to write, and I enjoy expressing my feelings and emotions through written words.

So keep me in your prayers, I have a feeling this is going to be a tough week, not b/c the TTC stuff, but because my “baby” is turning 3.