Well, it was another (make that TWO) BIG FAT NEGITAVIES. I’m so disappointed, in more ways than one. I’m disappointed in myself, for getting worked up & excited. I’m disappointed in myself, for continuing to dwell on it, when I should be enjoying every single minute with my son. I’m disappointed in my body.
Mason & I were watching a T.V. show today; it was Little Bear (I think). He (Little Bear) & his mom were taking care of a new baby. Mason said to me “mommy, I want a baby like that.” I almost cried.
The other night I found myself on YouTube (yet again), watching pregnancy announcements. I cried out to God begging him to give me a baby.
People continue to ask me if I want another baby or when I’m going to have one. I know it isn’t there fault, they don’t know the problems I have. However, it still doesn’t make answering the question & explaining things any easier.
I found out today another FB friend is expecting. While I am excited & happy for them (I truly am!), knowing how excited they are & what a blessing they have been given hurts my heart.
I know deep down that everything will be okay; God will provide if it’s in His will. However, I am human, I am impatient, and I have a big hole in my heart. My mom said to me the other day “Maybe God just wants you to have Mason, and you should quit dwelling on it & enjoy every second you have with him” As much as that hurt to hear, I know she is right about the quitting dwelling on it & enjoy the time I have with Mason because he will be grown in no time.
Having PCOS & missing periods a lot is really stressful. Each month I miss my period I force myself to take a pregnancy test, because I have had nightmares that I am on that show “I didn’t know I was pregnant”. I’m never satisfied with one test a month, I take 1 a week, since my cycles are all screwed up & who knows when I might ovulate..blah blah blah. So it’s not seeing a negative once here & there, once a month, but once a week for about two years.
That brings me to my next heartache; Mason will be there in a little over a week. I cannot believe it, it seems like only yesterday we were waiting for him to make his appearance. I love him more than life itself; I would do anything for him. He is such a smart boy. I thank God for giving me such a perfect gift; he’s smart, beautiful, loving, sweet, & HEALTHY. I couldn’t be more proud of the little guy he is growing up to be!
I’m not giving up hope or faith in my God. I know he will give me what I need, whether it’s a baby or comfort.
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